“My Will” metamorphosed to “I Will”

It has been months and I have not moved a muscle in my body. My knee joints hurt terribly. I feel like my body needs to be stretched from all ends so that I feel some relief. I literally can’t explain the jamming which I feel in my joints all over the body due to months of inaction. I wish I could just tell someone to stand on my knees or give me a good massage so that some blood circulation helps soothe my pain. 

I remember the kind of pain I had in my body when I started gymming. When I would open my eyes in the morning and made an effort to get up, every inch of my body would hurt due to the previous day’s workout.

When I would take a step forward, my shins would hurt terribly.

When I would bend to pick up a fallen object, my thighs would curse me.

And when I would rise again after a bend, my abs in the making would weep for the pain that I was causing them.

But one thing which didn’t hurt me at all was the contentment and the satisfaction of my mind. Every time my body ached my mind was proud. It felt happy and ecstatic. I was working towards a change I deeply desired.

But I didn’t realise when “My Will” metamorphosed into “I Will” of the future tense. I paved way for a series of delays. 

“After five mins”, “In the evening”, “Definetely tomorrow”, “On Monday, for sure”, “Next week; perhaps”, “1st of the next month”; “Forget it, you’re not going to do it!” 

And here I am, in the future designed by my past. Full of sorrow and remorse. I wish the “me” in my past would’ve done something for the “me” who is here living in the present. 

But I also ask myself,

“What is the ‘me’ of my present doing for the ‘me’ in my future?

“Would I still be remorseful tomorrow as I am today?”

“Where would I have been if I had been consistent for the past so many months?”

I weighed myself as 107.6 kg today morning. And on somedays I even go upto 109 kg. I had gone down to 104 kg and it was a huge achievement for me. But, here I am. Again.

The Power of a Compliment

As a fat girl hardly gets any compliments except pertaining to the cuteness which in other words means “oh you’re so chubby!” It’s not a bad compliment but that’s mostly what you get to hear and quite different from what you want to hear. Complimenting a fat person is not an easy task, in fact, complimenting any woman to her utter joy and satisfaction is never an easy task. Buy for a fat woman/ girl, everything gets complicated because she doesn’t believe that she could be beautiful.

In my freshers party, everyone complimented me that I looked beautiful; I thanked them gracefully thinking that they were being nice and kind. I was happy to receive their compliments but the word “beautiful” gave me a heart-ache because for me a 106 Kg (now 107 kg) person could not be beautiful; she could only be fat.

 But the other day I was making some notes while sitting in my class room and a class- mate was continuously staring at me; I could see her from the corner of my eye and was rather intimidated. Soon I lost notice of her and was engrossed in my own work. After I was done with my work she very simply told me that she had been looking at my hands while I was writing and they looked very elegant and pretty. I thanked her as a compliment shoud be thanked but my heart was elated for a reason I could not describe. It seemed as if someone had complimented me after such a long time. Later in the evening I was taking a careful note of my hands. 😉

Yet another day a friend of mine complimented me how my skin had become relatively clear from the pimples that I earlier had. I felt happy that some said it. As if I had not acknowledged this unless someone pointed out towards it.

Although this doesn’t mean that our opinion about ourselves should be heightened or diminuted by the compliments or the ridicules of others respectively. But simply that the art of giving careful compliments should not be wasted as it can make a huge difference to someone. 

A life missed by being Fat

These are some of the things that a fat person really misses or can’t enjoy or possesses or hates in his/ her life. This post is specifically written from a girl’s point of view. 

• Good Clothes. You can’t wear the clothes that you want to.
• Lethargy. You feel like sleeping and laying around all the time.
• Attending Classes. Sitting for an hour or so at a stretch to attend some class with those big buttocks is a constant pain. 
• Driving. The seat belt is a big issue on a four wheeler. And your ass is another big issue on a two wheeler.
• Adjusting. Sitting or standing up is not a usual one second process.
• You can’t be excited. If you jump in excitement, the vibrations of blob(fat) on your body will stop after 10 seconds or so. You will be a visual treat for everyone to see and surely your excitement will go down the drain.
• You can’t eat. If there’s a smart, sexy petite girl/ boy eating a full size burger or gorging down any other delectable food, they will be looked at with adoration. And if you are satiating your hunger by any means, you’ll be looked at as a person who is the reason famines in different parts of the world!
• You can’t stand for long. The heels and toes hurt.
• You can’t sit for long either. The butt hurts; extremely.
• You can’t walk and talk. You get out of breath. And if the conversation is on the phone, the other person might consider the idea of calling an ambulance for you because you’re gasping for air while talking.
• You can’t be quick. Late to work? No means of transport? Ha! You can’t walk faster. Run? Forget it!
• You might be a reason for damage. You might’ve made neighbours, relatives or your own house get rid of a piece or two of furniture. Broken a chair, a stool or a bed? Never?
• Bath. You can’t nicely apply soap on your back while you bathe.
• You can’t properly paint your toe nails. The big tummy is a huge obstruction. 
• No hairstyle. Your arms get tired if you try to some nice hairstyle.
• You don’t want to go out. From a relatives marriage to a trip with your friends, you have to stay trapped in your body and your house.
• You have to flip your matresses once in a while. They get a dent because your body weight  and make  you feel uncomfortable.
• You can never wear stilettos. One-because they might not balance your weight; under extreme circumstances the might even get crushed. Two- they might look like flats in a garden party because of the weight on them. Three- they hurt like hell!
• Men. You won’t be often seen with an admirable look by men. You won’t be noticed. You won’t mostly exist as a woman, for a man. Mostly friendzoned. Extreme cases- sisterzoned!
• Expression. You wil mostly not express about how you feel about most of the things. Because you’re usually in a repetitve cycle of motivation, failure and frustration. If you’re expressive, people might be genuinely tired of your “all expression and no action” lifestlye. You too would be.
• Vulnerable. You will be more vulnerable to remarks regarding different aspects of your life. Your body, romantic life etc.
• Desire. Your desires; to go anhwhere, to be with anyone, to do anything; will be extinguished under the burden of your body.
• Lack of confidence. You will prefer to be invisible most of the times and not be discovered. Even if you’ve a great mind, you’d want it to be unrecognised. Because mind and body go together and you don’t want to be recognised by your body.
• True potential. You will never be able to reach the potential you can explore as a fit person with the current body that you’re in. 

These are some of the things that you miss while being a fat person. 

But these are not only things that are missing from your life, they can be the reasons you want to change your lifestyle and become a healthy, fit and a better person. 

And that entirely depends on your action.

PS- This post may not hold always true for all fat people.

Do comment to add the things you miss in life by being fat or by not being fit. 

Being Morbidly Obese

​I have a BMI of 40.41. I am Class III obese i.e morbidly obese. I am 21 year old girl who has the aspirations just as that of another 21 year old. But my weight always puts me on the backfoot from  going ahead to grab all those things in life which I want.

This is what I look like (removing the face)

I don’t wear denims or western wear, as it doesn’t look that well on me, although I deeply desire to look smart in well fit denims and lose t-shirts! (I was just trying my sister’s jeans and footwear when this picture was clicked).

The jeans here make my thighs and hips look comparatively moderate than they really are.

My arms are very fat so it even prevents me from wearing half sleeves or going sleeveless. I don’t want my fat and jiggly arms to be visible to everyone.

My skin is covered with severe acne and now I’ve come accross the problem of hirutism too. I recently got detcted with PCOD.

So, all in all, it quite depresssing to be obese.

I haven’t come accross mean people though. I’ve always received suggestions and motivation from friends and family(not always though). Even the strangers that I come accross in everyday life express their concern and suggest what they think might help me. The fault lies in my approach towards my life because of which I fail time and again to fix it.

And apart from all this obesity problem, I am a very lively and vibrant person. Butt if I would just let go of my self a little bit, I might start suffering from depression. In fact, quite a part of the day is depressing but not because of the people, but because of my own inadequacies.