It has been months and I have not moved a muscle in my body. My knee joints hurt terribly. I feel like my body needs to be stretched from all ends so that I feel some relief. I literally can’t explain the jamming which I feel in my joints all over the body due to months of inaction. I wish I could just tell someone to stand on my knees or give me a good massage so that some blood circulation helps soothe my pain.
I remember the kind of pain I had in my body when I started gymming. When I would open my eyes in the morning and made an effort to get up, every inch of my body would hurt due to the previous day’s workout.
When I would take a step forward, my shins would hurt terribly.
When I would bend to pick up a fallen object, my thighs would curse me.
And when I would rise again after a bend, my abs in the making would weep for the pain that I was causing them.
But one thing which didn’t hurt me at all was the contentment and the satisfaction of my mind. Every time my body ached my mind was proud. It felt happy and ecstatic. I was working towards a change I deeply desired.
But I didn’t realise when “My Will” metamorphosed into “I Will” of the future tense. I paved way for a series of delays.
“After five mins”, “In the evening”, “Definetely tomorrow”, “On Monday, for sure”, “Next week; perhaps”, “1st of the next month”; “Forget it, you’re not going to do it!”
And here I am, in the future designed by my past. Full of sorrow and remorse. I wish the “me” in my past would’ve done something for the “me” who is here living in the present.
But I also ask myself,
“What is the ‘me’ of my present doing for the ‘me’ in my future?
“Would I still be remorseful tomorrow as I am today?”
“Where would I have been if I had been consistent for the past so many months?”
I weighed myself as 107.6 kg today morning. And on somedays I even go upto 109 kg. I had gone down to 104 kg and it was a huge achievement for me. But, here I am. Again.