There are so many thoughts running through my mind. I dropped an year again. I’ve gone backwards by two years in my life now. I should’ve taken this time to reinvent myself. It should be “should” but I write “should’ve”. I don’t know why! Why would I give up on myself so easily? Do I not love myself? Do I not consider myself worthy of good things in life? Or do I consider myself incompetent? Yes and No. Both.
But why? Why would I not change? Why do I not commit to change? Why do I succumb? Why do I give up? It’s been so many years! I’ve been reading. I’ve been writing. I’ve been thinking. Dreaming. Analysing. Wanting. Desiring. Wishing to Change! Then why would I not act? What is it that stops me? What is it that I am afraid of?
Failure. Is it failure? But I’ve failed time and again! I’ve failed! And for most of the time I’ve failed without even trying. Actually I think that I’m being unfair. I don’t think it would be right to call myself a failure.
“Being a failure is a far worthy achievement than being a quitter!”
I’ve always surrendered. Always! Of all the major failures that I can count back in my life, I realise that they were not really failures but conscious attempts to QUIT. Was I so scared of failure that I gave up long before? I feel sad for myself. I feel sad for the numerous occasions where I quit when I could’ve failed!
I remember this quote that I once read,
“The struggles of the battlefield pale into insignificance when man first contends with inner enemies.”
And I think, I’ve got too many inner enemies to recognise and fight them off.
It’s a tough journey.
The one which I’ve not yet begun!